By Maria Cote
Special to The Denver Post
It's a scene played out in most every workplace. A coworker returns to the office after a week off. The always- cheerful, ever-helpful man has been on bereavement leave after the death of someone very dear in his life. He looks busy, so you and the others in the office are reluctant to approach him.
Death isn't a pleasant topic, after all, and it doesn't seem appropriate to discuss the score of Sunday's big game.
If you're tempted to simply avoid him, Joan Hummel would ask you to reconsider.
"I can't tell you how many people talk to me about how hurt they were when co-workers avoided them, as if they had the plague," says Hummel, bereavement counselor for Porter and St. Anthony Hospice, part of Centura Health at Home.
"Believe me, they notice," she says.
So what to do when someone returns to work and is still grieving? Hummel offers this advice.
Q: What would you say to an office full of people who struggle to deal with a grieving co-worker?
A: Acknowledge the loss, even if it's in a small way. Gather everyone together to sign a card. Place the card on your co-worker's desk. Don't ignore him or her.
Q: What if my co-worker seems reluctant to talk?
A: I think it's a great idea if someone who is close to the employee can "take the temperature" of their friend. Ask them if they're comfortable with people coming up to them and talking. Some people aren't comfortable discussing their loss.
Q: So does that mean it's best to act as if it's life as usual?
A: Oh, no. First, never avoid the grieving person. And if they don't want to talk about it, at least tell them that you're thinking of them, and you're sorry for their loss. I once heard a quote that stuck with me. "Spacious people are generous people." Giving the person the space to share when they're ready can be a very generous thing.
Q: Say my co-worker has lost her mother, and I've recently lost my mother. Is it a good idea to talk about my experiences and feelings with her?
A: It's human nature to want to share experience, but now isn't the time. Saying, "I know just how you feel," is not a good idea. You really don't know. It's better to simply listen.
Q: How about the person returning to work while still grieving? What advice would you offer that person?
A: First, understand that your energy level will be tremendously lowered, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. You may need to alter your work schedule. You won't be up to your same game. Sure, some employees do fine a week later, but even they often hit a period, sometimes three weeks later, sometimes six months later, when grief catches up to them.
Q: How should a good manager deal with the grieving employee?
A: It's a proven fact that people who are grieving cannot work at the same cognitive level as they did before the loss. It will take time for them to get back to that level. Especially people in analytical fields — people like accountants and attorneys — should have someone look over their work. And a good manager might suggest having someone share the load for a while.
Q: How long will it take for a formerly brilliant co- worker or employee to get back to normal?
A: Some people find comfort in coming back to work the day after the funeral, and they function well. But most people I've worked with say they get three to five bereavement days, and it's not nearly enough. Really, the answer is that grief is part of the human experience, and it's a very individual thing.
Those employees who do fine right away? Again, often, three or six months later, it's as if a bomb drops on them. So when you're reaching out, consider times like holidays, even if it's been a while since your co-worker's loss. Say, "Hey, I know this is the first Father's Day without him. I wanted you to know I was thinking of you."
With grief, expect surprises. It doesn't play out in an orderly fashion, or in any kind of specific time frame. But people have a tremendous ability to heal themselves. Grief is part of the human experience. People think it's abnormal, but it's really not. It's very normal.