In support of a grieving man
R. Glenn Kelly |July 01, 2017
Sadly, one of the inherent issues in life is that we will all lose someone we love very dearly. For me it was my sixteen-year old son and only child who I lost unexpectedly to a failing heart. He was certainly an extension of myself as a father, and his loss affected me in so many ways. He honestly was developing into a mini-me. I hurt so very badly with his loss but immediately afterwards there were so many things that had to be done. His funeral services had to be arranged and other family members to be supported with strength and a strong shoulder to cry on. Then, after a very short stint away, there was inevitable return to work where others counted on my leadership. As a man, it was in my very DNA, as well as the rearing of my father to hold myself up during the tough times, remain strong on the outside, and never show emotions others might perceive as weak.
As men, that might serve us well in many areas of life, but not when it comes to grief. So often, when I speak in “Grief” workshops or other support venues, I hear the word “grief” used almost ad nauseam, although not negatively, per se. Grief is a proper word, of course, and differs from Mourning and Bereavement by definition, but it is just a single word conveniently used to describe a multitude of emotions. Someone grieving may feel anger, sorrow, loneliness, fear and so many more feelings inside, and many of these emotions, if left unresolved, can be incredibly destructive and corrosive over time.
While the question should be avoided for the newly bereaved, I often use the example that if you were to ask how someone who is grieving how they feel, they might answer with saying they feel lonely. Ask someone else how they feel and they might tell you they feel angry or confused. The response will vary depending upon whom you ask and even when you ask. It can be vastly different from one point of time to another in that very same person, as well. Yet, rarely would you ask and get the response, “I feel grief.” They do not feel grief. It is not an emotion on its own. The “griever” is feeling, and responding with one of many of the emotions enwrapped within that label called grief.
Many men, myself included, will instinctively hold back the emotions of loss, and when those repressed feelings begin to cause physical and mental harm, we often times do not understand what is happening. On the other side, those women close to a man may not understand what he is going through, leading to additional problems in a relationship. I am aware that goes for a man’s lack of understanding of a woman’s emotional release, as well, but my focus here is on men. Suffice it to say we all know that the loss of a child or even the parent of a spouse is renowned for having a huge impact on relationships when a man’s response takes him in a direction the woman cannot understand.
Regardless, we need to identify some of the ways men experience and cope with the loss of a loved one. There are a number of emotions that tend to be more common in men than women.
These include:
- Anger: Sometimes at oneself, or at someone or something felt (perceived as) responsible for the loss
- Detachment: May detach or avoid social contact, as well as withdraw emotionally, experiencing a mental numbness and cloudiness in thought
- Rumination: Persistent thinking about the deceased or death in general.
- Substance Abuse: May attempt to cope by abusing alcohol or other drugs
- Moodiness: May be easily irritated and annoyed, and may overreact to small annoyances
On moodiness, research reveals that men experience greater changes in mood than women do after a loss. Women tend to verbalize while men internalize, and those moods resulting from repressed emotions have a greater impact on the physical health of men. Yet, we fail to associate typical grief emotions such as sadness and crying, depressed mood, and a sense of hopelessness with men or manliness. It is possible for a grieving man to show any or all of common male emotions above, yet few, if any, of the typical symptoms. This can cause anxiety in some men because they feel like they are not “grieving enough” or “the right way,” as well as confusion in those around them who do not understand why the man is reacting the way that he is. However, the way men grieve will vary widely from man to man and what they are experiencing is normal.
While it is my hope that success will come soon in putting bereavement leave within our FMLA laws, most companies only grant a few days of off even for the loss of a spouse, child or parent. That might cover the customs of Mourning, if that, but grieving takes so much more time. Sixty-days, or two months used to be considered the length of time allowed before continuing symptoms might be considered more serious problems. Recent research, however, now finds that the process could obviously take much longer, and many men may still display some symptoms, such as sadness on the anniversary of the loved one’s passing as much as twenty or more years later. The primary takeaway to remember, of course, is that every man will process grief and move forward at his own pace.
How Men Handle Grief
Most men handle the emotions within grief using the same strategies that they use to deal with everything else: controlling and holding back their feelings of pain and relying on internal strengths to keep going on. Therefore, men do not respond well to talking about the emotions associated with their loss, which tends to lead to some heightened sensitivities and misunderstandings with others around them. Nor will they have a tendency to seek professional help, or do “grief work” which typically involves talking to strangers about the emotions associated with the loss. Understandably, simply avoiding thinking about the loss is not helpful, according to modern research. Those who coped with a loss most effectively were those that alternated between “loss oriented coping” or thinking about the loss, and “restoration oriented coping” which focuses on moving forward to a new normal.
Some of the inherent tendencies of men are to be planners and problem solvers, so restoration oriented coping often comes naturally to the grieving man. A man may naturally attempt to cope by moving forward. Yet, a man who experiences a loss also needs to address the emotions associated with the loss itself. These emotions are painful, and often filled with sorrow and despair, and will literally challenge a man’s sense of masculinity and self-identity, or worse yet to the man, be visible to others. If we can all stay far away from the term, “You should be over it by now,” a man will usually come to terms with these challenges over time, as well as resolving other regrets related to the loss.
Like all of us, one man’s grief is as different from another’s as snowflakes and fingerprints. Yet, there are some things that all grieving men have in common. If you are a man who is entering the grief process now, please consider the following:
Do not look for normal: The painful truth is that things will never be as they were before when it comes to a loved one who has passed away. You will need to move forward with time, and realize that you can reach a “new normal.”
It is your loss….experience it your own way. The emotions and processing of grief is an individual experience for each man who has lost a loved one. The way or time in which you express your emotions may not be what others expect…or what you expect from yourself, for that matter. The most important step in moving towards healing is honestly experiencing grief.
Give yourself time to grieve: For many men who have lost a loved one, there may be a multitude of duties to be performed, along with arrangements to be made, and others who need support. A man will not run from these duties and will carry them out as needed, but must find time even during those early days to allow the grief process to begin.
Watch for self-destructive behavior: While experiencing anger can be normal, keep it in check and make sure you do nothing to harm yourself or others. Many times, what is perceived as “fault” will turn out to be incorrect and a rush to judgement. Practice patience in yourself and others. It is important to manage anger, even verbal, so that it does not harm others. In addition, grieving men are much more likely to develop problems with alcohol or other substances. Monitor yourself carefully.
Be patient with others: You will find a whole list of phrases heard by those hurting from a loss that seem insensitive, such as “She is in a better place now” or “At least he did not suffer.” These may be words that do not sit well with you after a loss, but try to understand they are not meant to be that way (inconsiderate, hurtful etc.). Grief and bereavement support are not something everyone goes through, and those kind-hearted people may be uncomfortable in how to act or speak around you, but rarely are these comments meant to be callous.
Many will not know of your pain: While you hurt inside, those that are not close to you have no idea, yet somehow you will expect that they do. Be patient and understanding with others, especially if they suddenly discover your loss. Again, this will make many immediately uncomfortable and unsure how to act or respond from that point forward.
Call on your buddies: Others who have lost a loved one can be some of your strongest sources of support. Depending on where they are in their grief journey, supporting you might help them as well. There will come a point where you will want to help others, believe it or not.
Know when you NEED to seek help: For most grieving men, psychological counseling may be helpful but usually not sought out due to our programmed traits. However, if you experience serious thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or develop an alcohol or other drug problem, seek psychological care immediately.
Those that support and exist around a man who is grieving the loss of a loved one are special people, yet very few have any sort of training or experience in this area. Below are just a few tips on supporting a man who has lost a loved one:
Prepare yourself: If a grieving man is able to express his feelings, be prepared to experience pain, anger, sorrow, longing or any number of emotions you may not be used to dealing with. Grief is not a happy thing and it can be emotionally exhaustive for supporters too. Consider also that the grieving man may not appear outwardly grateful for your support. If you do support him in ways discussed later here, such as mowing his lawn, running to the store or any number of things, do not be surprised or offended if you are not praised or thanked for doing so. His mind is simply elsewhere. Supporting someone in the depths of grief can be difficult and can take its toll on you mentally. Make sure to provide for your own care so that you have the energy required to help your friend.
Be there. Something as simple as knowing a friend is there has an amazingly positive impact on a grieving man, even if not there in person. Do not take it for granted this is known to him. Without making it about his loss, stop by or call more frequently to let him know you are around. Many times a man will be concerned friends may slowly back away and be different towards him after a loss, and knowing you are more there than ever will help in tremendous ways.
Listen. There is an old saying that you get in less trouble with your ears than you do with your mouth. A grieving man may or may not want to talk about his experiences, but if he does, listen openly. Generally, the less you talk the better. Avoid giving advice or problem solving when it comes to the loss unless asked, and even then, allow the griever to work through it on his own as much as possible.
Anticipate and Act: One of the top phrases to avoid with the newly bereaved is “Is there anything I can do?” Instead, if you know of a way that will help and support him, do so without asking, especially early in the bereavement when he is trying to handle arrangements and other loved ones. If you notice his lawn needs mowing, do it for him. If you overhear him speak of returning a video to the store, or a package to the post office, jump in and do it for him without asking. Again, this is much more important early on in the bereavement.
Tell the truth: Never say anything that is not true just to spare a grieving man’s feelings. Do not tell him he is doing fine when you know he is not. He may try to avoid reality and helping him do so will only harm him more.
Allow him to grief his way: There are no timetables for a man’s grief. There is no expected and accepted way a man will process the emotions within grief. Unless actions are harmful to himself or others, follow his lead in how you can help.
Know when to seek help. Most men will proceed through the grieving process without need for psychological counseling, however, if your friend threatens or attempts suicide, harms or threatens to harm themselves or others, or develops an alcohol or drug problem, advise them to seek psychological care immediately.