Grief Can Get Complicated
In this article, you’re going to discover just how important our painful feelings are to the healthful grief healing process, and why we must not ignore them. See, research reveals that ten to twenty percent of us who’ve recently become bereaved will experience a condition known as “Complicated Grief.” That’s certainly a whole lot of us. And while it’s complications can come in many forms, one of the more prevalent ones is the intentional repression of our painful emotions. Repression is purposely ignoring, avoiding, or really just shoving those ugly feelings back inside. And listen, complicated grief is not good. No! It carries with it the potential for both physical and psychological harm that often requires resolution through professional intervention.
Emotions Rule Over Reason and Logic
Over the years, we’ve often heard many well-respected business coaches tell us how important it is that major decisions be made solely on logic and reason. We should never make a deal based on emotions, right? Wrong. In reality, even the biggest business deals come down to whether the outcome will make one either happy or sad. That’s it. Now, back in the 1970’s a respected psychologist came up with the list of six classified emotions; Happy, Sad, Fear, Disgust, Anger, and Surprise. In truth, however, everything on the list actually comes back to being either happy or sad. Well, except maybe for surprise. And if one were to think too much, how is surprise even considered an emotion?
Regardless, it’s not difficult to assume that so many of us were, at some level, relatively happy before our loss and then incredibly sad afterward. And rightfully so. We may not have realized just how happy we were until we experienced that profound sadness, right? But now, we cannot avoid the pain. We must move forward. And moving forward after our loss involves actual grief work, which can be no less physically strenuous than digging a ditch or mentally exhausting as solving an almost unsolvable riddle. To that end, one of the most important tasks in our grief work is purposely acknowledging and processing even the most painful of our emotions.
Our Emotions are Responsible for Our Choices
As human, we actually require our emotions to survive. Whether in business or daily life, we can’t make even the most routine decisions without our feelings being the determining factor. Were you aware of that? Well, not so long ago, a modern neuroscientist named Antonio Damasio conducted some telling experiments to that very end. He studied groups of subjects who had unfortunately suffered previous injury or impairment to the area of the brain that completely eliminated their ability to feel emotions. Every selected subject, however, had all their other mental faculties intact, including the full ability to use logic and reason. Yet without being able to experience emotions, not a single test member was able to make even the simplest of decisions on their own.
In just one small but telling example of Damasio’s complex 
research, his study subjects were each offered a choice between fish or chicken as an evening meal. However, not one participant could choose between the two entrees, regardless of how much time was allotted to them. Why? Because of their inability to self-determine a “reward/punishment” outcome to their choice.
And what is reward/punishment? Reward is emotional happiness, of course, and punishment is emotional sadness. Without emotions, Damasio’s unwitting subjects never made it to the logic and reasoning stage of their decision factor. Instead, they eventually shutdown and just accepted whatever entrée was served to them.
So, we make decisions based on expected happiness, right? But do we, as humans, make decisions that purposely bring us sadness? Of course, we do. We might give up our seat on a crowded bus so that another can sit down. Perhaps we give away some of our hard-earned money to a homeless man on the corner, or we run into a burning building to make sure no one is still inside.
Yes, we often consciously choose action that brings some faction of sadness. We’d certainly be happier not doing these things, right? To be honest, though, we know the initial act that brings immediate sadness will ultimately bring us happiness. This might only be a sense of pride for doing the right thing, but that’s still a happiness.
Ready or not, in this ugly grief business we have to run into the burning building. We must face the sad, painful emotions of grief in order to eventually transition to the happiness of moving forward. But don’t let your interpretation of happiness hold you back. Happiness in this context is rediscovering a life once filled with peace and purpose.
Happiness is moving forward without leaving your lost loved one behind. That’s where you want to be. After all, if we were to trade places, wouldn’t we want them to be happy and enjoy life? Wouldn’t we wish from the other side that our survivor lived a joyous, peace-filled existence when we were gone? Yes, we would. And I’m sure you agree.
Your Feelings Cannot Be Dammed Up Inside
Listen, it’s understandable that some early grievers might willfully repress the ugly feelings of loss. I know. I’ve been there. But I came to understand that repressed emotions are only delayed emotions. They will eventually come out. What must be recognized here is that the longer the caustic emotions of grief are held back, the more powerful and potentially harmful they become. When they eventually come out, and they will, can you still 
control them? Probably not.
Stuffing the hurt of grief back inside is much like building a dam across a river. Maybe we do this a little just to survive around others, right? That’s understandable. But as the waters, or emotions, rise, it’s important that we release some of the pressure in a controlled manner. If not, the water rises to the top, spills over the dam, and rages downstream to destroy everything in it’s path. That’s if the pressure of the water, or emotions, doesn’t simply explode the dam in the first place. Either way, the result is the same…destruction!
Facing your grief emotions is paramount in healthfully moving forward after your loss. In the next article I’ll share with you some of the ways to purposely face your emotions head on.
If you want a little advanced hint, check out some of my earlier articles on something called your Griefcase, as well as my published book under the same name.
And please take a moment to like this article if it touched you in some way…and why not leave a comment in the section below????
Peace and Purpose,
R. Glenn