Frievalds: A grieving husband's advice on grief
By John Freivalds
Freivalds runs an international communications firm in Lexington
Never did I imagine that my wife Margo’s life was in danger even with the 17 surgeries she had since 2000. But I soon learned all those surgeries enabled a yucky cancer – pleomorphic sarcoma – to overwhelm her weakened body; the diagnosis to death was just 12 days. Not the immediacy of what just happened but still the horror of someone you love dying before their time.
So from a whole world revolving around sharing a wonderful life with a special person I immediately went to one surrounded with numbness, loneliness and grief. Now several months out from her death people tell me I have handled myself well – one even said you are having a “good grief.” A friend from Crozet told me and said ”that is just what everyone loves about you.” Another said I was “moving forward but not forgetting the past.” I don’t know about that as flashbacks are still painful but I did learn some things which might be useful since everyone has to deal with grief.
Surround (protect) yourself with family and friends.
Upon Margo’s death I was so numb I couldn’t function – my daughters forbid me to drive. I felt like I was in a dense fog, and had pain deep in my gut. Worse, insensitive people — OK, vultures — sensing my weakness tried to take advantage of me. One supposed friend of Margo’s said that Margo on her deathbed wished I have this person live with me for a year, pay my bills, and I pay her a salary. I got a PowerPoint presentation to that effect within 24 hours of her death. Another wanted to know if she could have the old car (2 years old!) now that I wouldn’t need it. And then single women, the “casserole cuties” would appear mysteriously at my front door, offering the casseroles (one was “broccoli surprise”) and who knows what else.
Don’t be afraid to tell your friends – they can help.
Don’t keep the grief inside yourself (“being strong”) but tell your friends you are hurting. I did that and the best advice came from the most unlikely source. But the best guidance I got was from a friend who was once the head of the Republican Party and Secretary of Agriculture — Clayton Yeutter. Upon hearing of Margo’s death Clayton told me about his 62-year-old wife’s sudden death and his heartfelt concern of my mental well-being. His thoughts still guide me every day.
The first thing to do is grieve, enjoying and appreciating your wife’s life in the process. As you well know the spousal relationship is unlike any other, and should be cherished more than any other.