One phrase frequently heard after the passing of a loved one is, rightfully, “I’m sorry for your loss.” This clearly indicates the condolence is intended for the griever who now lives without a loved one by their side. Recognizing this is, in fact, a part of almost all traditional mourning rites, albeit more so during bygone times than today. Sadly, Western culture has somewhat moved away from age-old customs which not only honor the departed, but respect the bereaved, as well.
World War One, or The Great War, is often recognized as a possible trigger which began a decline for some of the more formal mourning customs in the United States. Historians and scholars often point to the high death rate of our valiant soldiers in combat as a catalyst to the watering down of mourning observances in American culture.
Regardless, the word loss is also included at the end of the phrase, “I’m sorry for your loss.” In this context, loss is best defined as the state of being deprived of, or, of being without something that one once had. When something, or in this case, someone, has been taken away without one’s consent or control, it can bring very negative and painful feelings, including emptiness, loneliness, fear, and so much more.
Yet, at some early point following a loss, many bereaved individuals feel somewhat shameful for even daring to think of themselves. How could one be thinking of themselves when the dearly departed is certainly the one who lost all? Surely, such thoughts must be insensitive and self-centered, right?
Wrong! While no griever will ever completely heal from profound loss, one must move forward. To effectively do so, all emotions must be given credence, even if some of those feelings seem selfish to consider. One must look inward and acknowledge it is normal, acceptable, and healthy to respond to the personal pains of having someone so cherished taken away. Frankly, it hurts!
Like every parent who has lost a child, I ache for the loss of my son Jonathan. I was greatly saddened for his short life of only sixteen years, and for the adult life he would never experience. There was so much he had yet to encounter, discover, and to live out. Today, I remain pained beyond measure that he will not get to experience life beyond his teenage years because of the rare heart defect that took him away so young. I also confess that, early on, a great deal of my pain manifested itself into anger. That was not a bad thing, though. Those anger issues are emotions that should be felt, recognized, and then acted upon.
So, are there negative impacts from failing to mourn our own feelings of loss? Absolutely. Along with anger, the griever may feel emptiness, longing, dread, or other anguishing emotions on an individual and personal level. These are feelings that may bring self-reproach, or feelings by the griever of selfishness. Yet, they can be incredibly toxic if not acknowledged, processed, and expressed.
Emotions predominantly dwell in the conscious mind, although they might seem quite overwhelming at times. If purposely repressed and held back long enough, they may actually move back into the subconscious mind, where the brain acts on the griever’s behalf without conscious control.
Conscious thought can consider the past, present, and future. The subconscious mind, however, lives and acts only in the immediate moment. It serves what is needed at this second. It never acts out of malice, either. It functions solely as it is programmed to function, beating the heart, inflating and deflating the lungs, and autonomously performing other survival functions and responses, all the while never requiring any effort of purposeful thought.
However, unlike the conscious brain’s ability to process, express, and eventually rid the emotion’s impact from mind, the subconscious holds on to anything inside as implied programming. Those caustic emotions which have found their way to the subconscious will become survival traits for the griever. They will come out, and at those times that the subconscious feels it appropriate for survival. Unfortunately, they also come out in a manner beyond the conscious control of the griever.
Over time, the griever who does not want to acknowledge or address the personal emotional pains of loss, may take on a new personality altogether. Someone who was once naturally positive, caring and humble may become more prone to anger, despair, or surliness, and may withdraw from others. All the while, the griever rarely recognizes his or her new persona, and may vehemently challenge anyone who dares bring up the negative change.
Is it too late at that point? Absolutely not. If one finds themselves in a place where caustic emotions have moved back to the subconscious mind, removing them is always possible. More so, it is incredibly important to moving forward after loss.
It will not be easy, however, and certainly will not be accomplished like flipping a light switch. Try telling a native Texan to speak without that distinct Texas draw. It can probably be done, even at the moment asked. Yet, try telling the Texan to do so for an entire day, or just for the next hour. This, too, could probably be done, of course, but only with ongoing conscious thought.
The approach to removing unwanted emotions/behavior from the unconscious mind is to bring the behavior out to the conscious, where it can receive purposeful thought. Consider it likened to bringing dark thought into the cleansing light.
In the beginning, the griever’s subconscious will continue to act unfavorably, and without conscious control. The exercise, then, is to simply recognize a reaction as one not wanted, even though it has already taken place. For example, immediately after recognizing an unpleasant, angry reaction, the griever can purposely think, “That was not the way I would like to respond. I want to stop doing that.”
Although simply recognizing uncontrolled responses as a negative does not initially stop them from coming out, the repeated recognition will expose those traits to more conscious thought. As a result, the griever spends more time purposely thinking of, and processing those caustic traits, eventually removing them not only from the subconscious, but the conscious, as well. Again, this is not an easy task. The subconscious is an incredibly powerful survival tool in all humans.
As grievers, we will never heal completely. Yet, we do have purpose in life after loss, and must carry on. Our lost loved ones would want nothing else, would they? With that in mind, it certainly bears repeating that acknowledging our own feelings of loss is detrimental to moving forward on a path of healing, even when it might feel “selfish.”
Thinking of ourselves, especially in loss of another, is normal, acceptable and quite frankly, necessary to moving forward. Not doing so could result in transforming into someone who does not properly honor those we lost and love so much. We never move forward without them in our lives, do we?