Learning how to deal with grief during the holidays
By Andy Kozlowski
November 4, 2015
METRO DETROIT — Halloween is over, and for many the holiday season has begun. It’s an exciting time when friends and family reconnect. But for those grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be a very difficult time.
“It’s right around now, at the start of the season, when the grief kicks in and (the bereaved) starts to hit rock bottom,” said Karen Monts, director of the grief program at Hospice of Michigan (HOM). “Sometimes it’s the very first holiday weekend that can be the trigger for the holiday grieving challenge.”
Monts said it’s common for the one grieving to feel so depressed that they think they’ll never enjoy the holidays again. But Monts knows from experience working in hospice that they can heal and feel happy again. It just takes time, and a desire to be kind to oneself.
“Holidays usually mean two things: family and hope. That’s what the holidays are about. Thanksgiving, Christmas — it’s all about family and hope. So when a big part of the family is gone, it’s tough, but there’s always hope the holidays can feel right again. You can find new ways to enjoy the season and make new rituals to evolve,” Monts said. “There will be a big hole there at first, and it’ll be challenging. Adjust your expectations, and recognize this year may be more difficult than last. And then start planning how to deal with this.”
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It’s helpful to keep in mind that someone grieving might feel fine one moment and then sad the next. This is normal. Rather than treating the bereaved like they’re in a constant state of despair, Monts suggests acting normal and being available to the bereaved if they want to talk about their loss. Talking can be very therapeutic for those who are mourning.
“It can be a loaded question to ask, ‘How are you doing?’ since it can change from minute to minute, but if you ask, ‘How are you doing today?’ with the emphasis on ‘today,’ it acknowledges how feelings can fluctuate, and it shows you want to be with them in their moment,” Monts said.
One healing technique during the holidays is to create a tangible tribute to the deceased. It could be an extra table setting for them during Thanksgiving dinner, an ornament with their name and picture on the Christmas tree, or maybe a wreath hung in their honor.
But equally important is a willingness to change traditions during the holidays, especially if they cause distress. Sometimes people think this would disappoint the person they’ve lost, but they should remember that their loved one would want them to be kind to themselves and to be happy.
“People don’t have to try to recreate last year. They can say, ‘We don’t have to do this this year because she’s not here.’ For example, you can go out of town this Christmas,” Monts said.
She said it’s not forgetting the deceased to change tradition.
“You have that permission to do something different. You do — there’s no set rule that it has to be this way,” Monts said.
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