Excerpt from within Chapter Ten
of R. Glenn Kelly's
The Griefcase
"Taking Your Griefcase to Work"
No matter what personal devastation may come in life, the world continues to turn. You and I, Griefcase in hand, are part of that too. For so many of us, that means returning to work, although many times way too soon for our own good. Our inherent male traits tell us we must be responsible, do the right thing, and take care of others, even while trying to get our hearts around the loss of a loved one.
While no less comforting, we will probably live a long life with our best friend by our side, as the majority of spouse loss hits us somewhat late in our lives. Studies show, however, that the sad loss of a parent or the devastating loss of a child generally takes place during the age when we are at the peak of our professions.
You will return to the office, job site, factory floor or classroom desk after your loss, and it may seem incredibly difficult at first. Your male traits, though, will remind you of your responsibility either to surviving family members or even to the company you work for, regardless of whether you are a leader or front line employee.
Returning to Work
“When you come to work, leave your home life at the 
door.” We hear that all the time, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Even before your loss, you went to work each day carrying with you all the emotions, motivations and demotivations that were taking place in your personal life. It is only human nature. Now, however, you have the ultimate burden are lugging the Griefcase along with you.
The first thing you have to do is be easy on yourself. You have a lot on your mind and a Griefcase in your hand. Expect to be more distracted and less productive for some time to come. As you begin to move forward through your grief, you still need to be aware that your mind and your reflexes may not respond so quickly.
If you are feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, or unfocused, let your boss know that you need a little time before completing the task at hand. Do not resume anything until you are sure you can do it safely and with total competency in your abilities.
Once you have returned to work you will want to get together with leadership members and let them know how you are doing, even if you are the boss. Tasks have to be completed, but some can be dangerous or have sensitive consequences. All the updates you can give will allow others to move resources around as needed.
Before you return to work, however, you should have your boss or appropriate member discuss your loss with co-workers. Some may have attended the services and know everything, while others are aware but know very little, and still others know nothing at all.
For many of us, we spend more awake time with co-workers than we do with those at home. Close relationships, although they may not be social outside the workplace, are often established, and many of those people care for you very much.
On your return, you may find yourself telling the story of your loss over and over again to those who want to console you. As we discussed before, this can be emotionally draining. Do not go beyond your current comfort level.
Be very cautious with your ego, as well as those inherent male traits inside. They will invariably attempt to pop out around those who look to you for leadership. Those instincts will tell you to appear strong, unshakable, and someone who bounces back from adversity quickly. Just remind your ego that the loss of a loved one is much more than any difficulty found in the workplace.
As with our earlier discussion about well-wishers, be understanding with those at work. Many will be unsure how to interact with you on your return and may act awkwardly and/or uncomfortably. Those co-workers absolutely want to be supportive, especially when considered a team member with you. Yet, they may feel uncertain how to approach, and then if they do, what to say. If they do say the wrong thing, just remember it is not said in malice.
Some co-workers may say nothing at all. On top of general concerns about feeling awkward, they are not comfortable with mortality in general. When they consider your loss, it mentally puts them right in your shoes and brings thoughts of what it would be like to lose someone of their own.
If they had actually lost a loved one in the past, a co-worker may have some unresolved grief issues of their own. Facing you may bring back incredible pain which they are not willing or prepared to deal with. While we hate to consider anyone stuck in grief, your immediate return is not the time to address it with them.
It would actually be rare for someone who had lost anyone close and then progressively moved forward through grief themselves to shy away from you. Their compassionate heart might lead them to respect your space, but not to avoid you altogether. They have been through the fire and felt the pain.
As you move forward through your grief journey, you must keep in mind that many at work will be well ahead of you. As a matter of fact, it will seem that in just a short period of time your loss is all but forgotten to them.
Those at work, including management and peers, do not go home with you at the end of the day. They do not live the new life you unwillingly live now. They do not experience the unwanted change in what was once normal for you. For them, nothing at home or at work will be different than their previous day’s version of normal.
Eventually, since they are not directly affected by it, your loss will fade in their minds. So will the idea that you could still be experiencing the incredible pain. It is not their fault, actually. After all, you are moving forward through the grief, processing the emotions and from all observations, appear to be fully functional again and doing well.
On the plus side, this means you are entering a phase where you can actually manage life for periods of time without the Griefcase getting in your way. You are finding that for a few hours a day the emotions of loss do not weave themselves into your every thought.
What others around you cannot see, however, is that you are never without the Griefcase and the painful emotions inside that come in waves. When those waves come they demand your immediate attention regardless of where you are or what you are doing.
Those that have never experienced a traumatic loss simply do not understand that. To them, you had the loss, felt the pain, moved on and got back to the guy you were. When you have those times when the waves come, do not be surprised if some, including bosses, wonder why you cannot “get over” it.
You need to let the leaders at work know that grief does not just go away. Tactfully inform them that there may be times in the future when you request some considerations. These may include an occasional day off, time to take a break for a walk, or just a few minutes of quiet privacy.
These considerations will actually increase your value to the business, not the opposite as an insensitive leader might presume. Quite frankly, if there is no understanding for this, you should consider seeking another employer. Your grief is going to continue in waves, and will for some time into the future. The height of those emotional waves and their power may decrease over time, but they will still come nonetheless, and you do not want them impacting others on the job in a harmful way.
While you might be concerned with the judgments of your employer and co-workers, please be more concerned with thoughts of a healing, healthy future for yourself.
Read more from Chapter Ten: Taking Your Griefcase to Work in
The Griefcase
by R. Glenn Kelly
Available in bookstores and online at Amazon.com or through the
rglennkelly.com bookstore
