Unconditional Love Found in My Griefcase
Time can often be an unmeasurable concept in grief. Case in point, our profound loss always seems like it happened yesterday, regardless of taking place months, years, or even decades earlier. When my dear son’s precious heart failed after a relatively simple medical procedure, he was taken from me in what seemed like the snap of a finger. And, in that snap of a finger, I was handed something I call my Griefcase.
What is my Griefcase? It certainly begins with the common word grief heard almost ad nauseam throughout my healing journey. But I recognize that grief is not an emotion. It’s not a feeling. Whenever someone approached me in my mourning and asked how I felt, I typically answered by saying I felt sad, or angry. I might have been feeling confused, lonely, or any combination of painful emotions that repeatedly pounded at me in unrelenting waves. However, I never responded to the question by saying I felt “grieved.”
No. Grief is not an emotion. Grief is only the carrying case that inside contains the emotions from my loss in what I visualize as individual manila folders. It’s very much like the many briefcases I often carried throughout my business career, so I have deemed it my Griefcase. The biggest difference here, however, is that I cannot put my Griefcase down, or leave it behind for even a second. It has become a significant part of who I am, and I must carry it with me for the remainder of my life. I have no choice in this matter of loss.
Early in my grief journey, the emotional manila folders inside my Griefcase were jumbled, overflowing, and very confusing. Nothing seems to make sense. I often refrained from doing anything socially because I didn’t want others to see it. I thought they would avoid me and my Griefcase. It was also heavy and so difficult just to get a good grip on the handle. Yet, I couldn’t leave it behind, and often stumbled over it and fell flat on my face in public. Every now and then I found myself forgetting the Griefcase was even there and actually laughed out loud at a joke, or began enjoying myself at an outing, only to feel guilty when I suddenly remembered my Griefcase was there. Does this sound familiar to you?
My Griefcase didn’t remain a heavy burden in my journey toward peace and purpose, however. It may have started out as disorganized, confusing and frightening, but I learned to face each emotional folder and organize the feelings inside. I also removed unnecessary emotions like false anger and false guilt and discovered other feelings that were misfiled or redundant. Those I properly filed or simply balled up and threw away. By addressing each emotional folder inside of my Griefcase, I began to lighten the load, albeit not a quick or easy job. It remains a lifelong task for me, but today my Griefcase is lighter and far less burdensome.
I do want to bring one emotional folder to your attention. It is neat and well organized. It has been tucked inside your Griefcase since the moment it was first handed to you. It’s the folder of Unconditional Love and it holds the joy and endearment you feel for your lost loved one. There will be tough times when you’re working through your Griefcase. It might seem difficult to carry the burden and fight through the despondency. When it does, pull out the file of Unconditional Love and allow it to lift you up and continue your healing journey forward.
Although I certainly never wanted my Griefcase, it has now become a loving part of who I am. I’ll never be able to completely empty the emotional folders inside, but I have disposed of the false, harmful and unnecessary ones. What remains for me are the experiences that touched my soul. My Griefcase is now the foundational building block of compassion for self and others, and a desire to be there for those who walk beside me on a healing journey, regardless of cause. Your Griefcase can be the same for you.
On a final note, as you organize the once confusing emotions inside your Griefcase, not only will it be far less of a burden in your life, but you will proudly invite others to look inside. Also recognize that as you remove untrue and redundant files, there is more space, isn’t there? Well, that space belongs to you. Why not give yourself a break and toss in some flip flops and sunscreen? You deserve some peace.
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