A Texas reader e-mailed me recently for advice after experiencing a devastating one-two-three punch: Two of her close family members died in quick succession, one in a tragic suicide. Her boss soon fired her from her administrative job, citing an abrupt decline in her job performance–a decline she acknowledges, and blames on overwhelming grief. Now, bad references from the boss are preventing her from getting a new job.
The death of a loved one can send family members reeling.
In a sad reminder of young people’s vulnerability, the news lately has included a rash of tragic suicides among college and graduate students. My colleague Stefanie Ilgenfritz has written movingly about her own experience at work following her father’s abrupt death; for her, sympathetic colleagues provided a cocoon of understanding. The workplace can serve as a welcome distraction and source of solace, my colleague John Edwards wrote.
But what if your workplace is not so sympathetic? Some bosses seem to lack compassion when a grieving employee’s performance temporarily hits the skids. I wrote previously about a manager for a utility company whose robust 46-year-old brother was stricken by an aneurysm while visiting her. He died later in her arms at the hospital. This woman’s supervisor refused her enough time off to attend her brother’s memorial service, then wouldn’t let her attend a lunch-hour support group for bereaved siblings. Ultimately, he fired her, telling the manager, “you haven’t been the same since your brother died.”
Based on my reporting, I am convinced these bosses were themselves treated harshly under similar circumstances at some point, and thus aren’t able to find compassion in their hearts for others. But whatever the cause of such behavior, the bereaved are profoundly vulnerable. Grieving can go on for months or years, far longer than the standard three- to five-day bereavement leave offered by about 90% of employers. And grieving employees don’t have any special protections under the law from the consequences of a performance slump caused by the accompanying despair, numbness or exhaustion.
Many managers need training to know how to respond; the nonprofit American Hospice Foundation provides resources on grieving at work and suggestions for employers.
To the bereaved Texan, I couldn’t offer much help. Based on general information provided by lawyers, a former employee with evidence of damage from bad employer references may be able to file a lawsuit for slander or defamation. However, any employer would almost certainly defend itself in court by arguing that the statements were true, which in this e-mailer’s case, they may have been. Also, while federal law protects family caregivers in some situations from job discrimination because of their caregiving role, family members are afforded no protection from the consequences of poor performance.
Readers, how is grieving handled at your workplace? Have you seen cases where grief is met with compassion, or the opposite? Does grieving in general need more support in our culture?