Bereavement Seasons, Transitions, and Father’s Day
Spring comes, with its warming breezes gently nudging Mother Nature to wake from her dormancy and renew a once bleak landscape. It’s a magic time, where jackets donned in the morning are slung over shoulders by 10am. April showers bring May flowers, and then almost as if Spring were just a dream, summer is upon us and we find ourselves either in shorts, tee-shirts and sandals, or darting from air conditioned cars to air conditioned buildings.
June seems to be a transition month, of sorts. We’re beyond the threats of freak Spring snowfalls, and our attire is down to just a single layer of clothing. June also brings Father’s Day, another transition point for me, and for many other fathers who have experienced the traumatic loss of a child. This year, Father’s Day will fall on Sunday, June 16th. And just like in the year 2013, Father’s Day came just 3 days after I lost my sixteen-year-old son and only child to a rare congenital heart defect. To me, June and Father’s Day will always be a trigger that reminds me of the transition in my blueprints for life.
Like every parent who has lost a child, I mourned for my son Jonathan. I was saddened greatly for his short life, and the adult life he would never experience. Although I could look back over his sixteen years and take solace in the fact that he had an incredibly happy childhood, there was so much more of the magic of life he had yet to encounter, and I’m saddened beyond measure that he will not get the chance. Without question, the vast preponderance of my loss remorse is for my late son.
While it’s not often discussed, I also had to face the fact that there is a great deal of mourning to be done for myself, as well. Yes, while many men may think of this quietly, we don’t often speak of it aloud; lest we fear being thought of as insensitive and self-centered. However, we must openly admit that while we feel incredible sorrow for what was denied our child, something incredible, something anticipated, something natural, normal and “instinctual” was taken from us against our will. Not only against our will, but against our presupposed blueprint of a our life.
We know we will never completely heal from our loss, but to continue our journey towards healing, we must look inward and recognize that part of losing a child is also our loss, as well. And we must come to terms with that pain. Like so many areas of the grieving process, emotions which are avoided and stuffed back inside will eventually find a way to get out. If one will not consciously face and express painful emotions, they will eventually find a home within the subconscious mind. The subconscious is normally beyond our control, right? Try to tell the heart to stop beating. It can’t be done. So, when bitter emotions find a home within the subconscious, they begin to negatively take over the natural personality and become the “new” persona of the bereaved.
This year, let Springtime, with its transitions into the month of June and a celebration of fathers, be a period of reawakening for you, too. Our once coveted blueprints have transitioned into a New Normal. Yet, we must know that this new normal always includes the unconditional love of our lost loved ones. Moving forward to peace and purpose does not mean leaving them behind.
Be it Mother’s Day in May, or Father’s Day in June, take time to recognize the pains of unexpectedly losing your own blueprints for life. Even if repressed emotions may have moved back to the subconscious, recognition of them can be as healing as the summer sun to the once bleak landscape of Winter. Be kind to yourself, however. It’ll take time. If bitter emotions do act on your behalf without conscious effort or control, simply recognize them each time. As you do, they will slowly move back to conscious thought, where your healing journey through grief can reawakening your true self.
Happy Father’s Day and Peace and Purpose to all,
R. Glenn Kelly