Grieving Men Returning to Work
No matter what personal devastation may come in life, the world continues to turn. You and I are part of that as well. For so many of us that means returning to work after the loss of a loved one, although many times that is way too soon for our own good. Yet, our inherent male traits might tell us to be responsible, do the right thing, and take care of others, even while trying to wrap our hearts around the loss.
As men, we also have an inherent trait for control of our environment, and the loss of a loved one was something we could not control. The workplace, however, can subconsciously represent a place where we might still establish our influence on responsibilities. Be cautious with this. While it may be therapeutic for some, it may also delay facing the painful feelings of loss. Delayed or repressed emotions will come out eventually, and typically increase in strength when initially held back in the mind.
“When you come to work, leave your home life at the door.” We hear that all the time. Yet, nothing could be farther from the truth. Even before your loss, you went to work each day carrying with you all the emotions, motivations and demotivations that were taking place in your personal life. It’s only human nature. Now, however, you have the burden of an incredible amount of painful emotions. Some of these you’ve never felt before, and others you’ve never experienced at such intense levels. The bottom-line is that you’ll be taking grief back to your workplace in some form or fashion.
Before you return to work, you should have your boss or other appropriate member discuss your loss with co-workers. If not, you may find yourself telling the story of your loss over and over again to co-workers who want to console you. This can be emotionally draining. Just know that if this happens, you can stop speaking of the loss at any time. Don’t push yourself.
Once you have returned to work you will want to get together with leadership members and let them know how you’re doing emotionally and physically, even if you are the boss. Tasks have to be completed, but some can be dangerous or have sensitive consequences. All the updates you can provide on your well-being can allow others to m
ove resources around as needed.
The most important thing you must always do is be easy on yourself. You have a lot going on in your mind and in your heart. Expect to be more distracted and less productive for some time to come. As you begin to move forward through your grief, you still need to be aware that your thoughts and your reflexes may not respond as quickly as before the loss.
If you’re feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, or unfocused, let your boss or teammates know that you need a little time before completing the task at hand. Don’t resume anything until you’re sure you can do it safely and with total competency in your own abilities.
Be very cautious with your ego, as well as those inherent male traits. They will invariably attempt to pop out around those who look to you on the job for leadership or comradery. Your instincts may tell you to appear strong, unshakable, and someone who bounces back quickly from adversity. Just remind your ego that the loss of a loved one is much more influential than any reputation gained previously in the workplace.
As with our earlier discussion about well-wishers, be understanding with those at work. Many will be unsure how to interact with you on your return and may act awkward or uncomfortable. Those co-workers absolutely want to be supportive, especially when they consider themselves a collegue. Yet, they may be uncertain how to approach, and if they do, unsure of what to say. If they do say the wrong thing, just remember the words are not spoken in malice.
Some co-workers may say nothing at all. On top of general concerns about feeling awkward, they’re not comfortable with mortality in general. When they consider your loss, it mentally puts them right in your shoes and brings thoughts of what it would be like to lose someone of their own. If a co-worker had lost a loved one in the past, he or she may have some unresolved grief issues, and facing your loss may bring back incredible pains they’re not willing or prepared to deal with.
As you move forward through your grief journey, know that many at work will quickly get over your loss. As a matter of fact, in just a short period of time it will seem that your loss is all but forgotten around the workplace. It’s not their fault. It’s natural and expected. They don’t go home with you at the end of the day. They don’t live the new life you unwillingly live now. They don’t experience the unwanted change in what was once normal for you. For them, nothing at home or at work will be different than their previous day’s version of normal.
Eventually, since they are not directly affected by it, your loss will fade in their minds. So will the idea that you, as an employee or co-worker, could still be experiencing the incredible pains of loss weeks or months beyond the event. Again, there is no blame or dispassion intended by others. After all, you are moving forward through the grief and processing the emotions in a healthful manner. From all observations by others, you appear to be fully functional again and doing well. Actually, all you may be doing is wearing a Grief Mask that disguises your pain.
On the plus side, the ability to even put on a mask means you’re moving forward. You’re entering a phase where you can actually manage life for increasing periods of time without emotions debilitating your every thought. You’re finding that the feelings don’t weave themselves into every moment in time. What others around you can’t see, however, is that the painful emotional waves that demand your immediate attention still come when they please, and without regard for where you are or what you’re doing.
Those that have never experienced a traumatic loss simply do not understand grief waves. To them, you had the loss, felt the pain, moved on, and got back to the guy you were before. When waves come, don’t be surprised if some at work wonder why you haven’t “gotten over” it. You need to tactfully inform your leaders that grief does not just go away, and there may be future times when you require some considerations. This may include an occasional day off, time to take a walk away from the workstation, or just a few minutes of quiet privacy.
Forward-thinking leaders will consider compassion for your loss as an investment to the business. Quite frankly, if there’s no understanding for bereavement and grief in the workplace, you should consider seeking other employment, although that may be easier said than done. However, your loss of a loved one can create both physical and mental impairments for you. Even on a small level, this can have harmful results for you and for others in the workplace.
It is well worth repeating that when returning to work after your loss of a loved one, you must be easy on yourself. Take your time and feel your pains no matter where they hit. Try to remember that, as men, we have many inherent instincts and traits residing within our very DNA that may unconsciously drive us to take certain actions. Sometimes we’re ready. Sometimes we’re not.