Grief and the Programmed Man

By R. Glenn Kelly
November 10, 2015

It is not Nature vs. Nurture for Men. It is Nature "and" Nurture

I consider myself the “average” man. If you had asked me if I was average before the birth of my only child, I probably would have told you I was so much more than that. With Jonathan’s birth, however, I would have my swollen ego borne from being a former Marine, police officer and all around tough guy knocked to the ground. When my beautiful baby was born, he was immediately diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and I would discover a great deal of humbleness and compassion. This rare Congenital Heart Defect found my son entering life with only the two right chambers of his heart, and together he and I would be introduced to a world of other children and parents who faced dangers far and above anything I ever saw in my past. I felt emotions I had never felt before. I discovered, for the first time, what it is to love and be loved unconditionally, and so many other life experiences that should alter the outlook on anyone’s life. One would think that raising such a challenged yet surviving hero of a son would change me to the very core.

Yet, sixteen and a half years later when I lost that amazing child to complications following a relatively routine surgery, I simply refused to grieve his loss. I instinctively ignored my feelings, convinced I needed to be the “rock” for his mother, arrange his burial service, and play host to a multitude of friends and family who traveled cross-country to be with us during our time of loss. I could not expose my painful emotions that I felt others would perceive as a weakness in me. When all was over and everyone gone, I had to return to work. There, I convinced myself that my employees depended on my “strength” and leadership, and without conscious thought, decided that if ignoring my pain, anguish, confusion and longing had worked so well at home, it would do the same at work. I would be a man, suck it up, and be just fine.

This refusal to grieve would go on for six months before the spirit of my sweet child would come and reveal just how much I was damaging myself physically and emotionally by not honoring the life he led while here on earth. Through unspoken words, he showed me how each of us have our own individual plan with God, and suddenly I understood how blessed I had actually been. I felt incredible honor that day in realizing He and Jonathan actually allowed me to be a part in my blessed son’s life and the plan he shared with the Creator. I also realized then that God had an individual plan for me, as well. I have no idea what that is today, and will not until I leave this world, but there is a plan for me nonetheless. I began to grieve my son’s loss that day, and while I knew I could never completely comprehend what my plan is, if I could only understand my instincts to hold in my emotions, I might carry a lighter load on my journey towards wholeness and healing. 

In my grief journey I would become somewhat compulsive in researching male emotions and why we are the way we are. I paint with a broad brush, of course, as we are all as different as snowflakes and fingerprints. Yet, I discovered that the prevailing path for any male child begins at inception and the introduction of testosterone. Our very DNA is instantly encoded with centuries of male traits that probably were not in play with Adam in the Garden of Eden, but soon became necessary for survival. The need to hunt, the urge to reproduce and then establishing oneself within the hierarchy of others required showing strength and hiding weaknesses. When you hear the common terms Nature vs. Nurture, DNA is the Nature which is referenced. Nurture is what we are exposed to from the crib and beyond. Almost all men were raised, or nurtured, with such phrases as, “Big boys don’t cry. Don’t be a sissy,” and so many more. From infancy we are programmed as males to hide perceived weaknesses through our very role models in life, but not by any real fault of their own. After all, our male role models have the same centuries old DNA in their genes, and experienced similar nurturing from their male role models before them.  

In my journey towards healing, the money question I had to ask myself was can I as a man change this instinctual need to hide emotions that others might perceive as weak? Can I actually overcome nature and nurture? The answer I found was yes! Please remember that those DNA traits evolved over centuries out of a need to survive. They developed; which meant that at one time they were not there at all and only came about when deemed necessary for survival. The same goes for our nurture programming after birth, as well. I will skip over the obvious role model programming and go straight to Marine Corps Boot Camp, which I graduated from early in my adult life. Even today, this arguably remains the toughest physical and mental reprogramming on the planet, and without question is exclusively designed to turn each Marine into an instantly responsive and obedient fighting machine. Those programmed traits were not with me before that training, but like the DNA encoded traits, became a vital necessity to survive at the time. However, when I no longer needed those traits I was able to leave them behind, albeit with some level of resistance and effort. They were just no longer needed, and in many respects, no longer proved a positive in my life after the service to my country. Some would actually prove a negative in law enforcement and later in corporate life.

It is, then, my position that men can overcome those negative traits brought to us by both nature and nurture. First, however, we must begin by identifying those that prove adverse and harmful to our lives today. Once identified, a dedicated and concerted effort must be made to work towards a desired change. I say work towards, since the process will obviously not be a light switch to be turned off on a whim. It starts first only with recognition, and then habitually pushing oneself beyond the normal comfort zones. As for me, I am working towards devolving many negatives, but far from achieving great success as of yet. I feel I have made headway on grief and my ability to let others know that I hurt inside with an immeasurable anguish that comes with the loss of a child. However, I am not going to look back and beat myself up over not being where I want to be this day. I have identified who I do not want to be and will patiently work on it over time. I highly doubt I will be a perfect and enlightened soul when I leave this earth, but I will continue to walk in that direction. A very well respected spiritualist once said we each have two people living inside of us; one who we like and the other we do not. He cautions against allowing the two to argue with each other, as it solves little, exhausts both, and actually looks very odd in public. I agree!